The TEFL course didn’t prepare me for this. I had no idea going in that being a teacher required a knowledge of forensic science. No really, to keep my cute little students from cheating the pants off my course, I pretty much have to set up ID checks: retina scans at the door to check identity (hair and eye color not applicable here). “Are you sure Lee is here?…’cause I think Shy signed his name for him.” I’ve also implemented a series of checks for completed homework: check for finger prints, handwriting, did 2 people use the same ink? …are we sure those 2 people aren’t 1 person? I probably should have them lick their essays so I can get a DNA sample too, just to be sure it’s their paper. It’s like CSI China: teacher edition.

Sometimes I feel insulted though: it’s like they don’t even put thought into cheating. It’s not that I want them to cheat; let me explain with these instances:1) when someone brings in answers from section 112 for the 113 quiz (because he thinks it’s the same quiz…*ahem*) and actually proceeds to put the right answers for the wrong quiz without noticing, that makes me sad. I mean, I feel poetically justified, but it’s sad too.

2. Today, not less than 4 girls had someone else write their essays (on the topic of the Courage To Do What is Right as seen in 2 movies): every essay was on paper from the same notebook, same ink, same handwriting, same grammatical mistakes, same writing style, and they all signed their names with a different color ink. I mean, I know I’m not Sherlock, but I’m a little insulted.

3. Perhaps my favorite is when someone is unable to finish cheating and gets stuck midway. The beginning of the paragraph is truly eloquent but about half way through the ink falters where the copier hid from the teacher. Then the text literally dives off the grammatical cliff into the Slew of Awful Syntax. But sometimes the copier will just give up, stop mid-sentence, and go to the next question…as if the previous answer wouldn’t tip me off.But to be fair, some are pretty creative. Like the girl who I heard brought an ear-bud to her oral exam. It would have worked too if she hadn’t awkwardly repeated each question.

  All that to say, I have never seem such determined cheaters. I think it’s a game because I’ve made the class quizzes much too easy to cheat on…yet many cheat. Maybe they’re binge cheaters. Not once, no, they’re not so easily deterred! Cheat they must. One girl has gotten 0% on 3 quizzes in a row…all for the same reason: used her iphone (and ipad when I told her put that away…after that she just went all traditional and looked at the paper of the girl next to her). And they are so funny when they cheat sometimes – other times, not cute – but see, during quizzes I stand at the back of the room so that they can’t see me watch them try to cheat. I think it makes them nervous too. But when I walk to the front of the classroom, I can literally hear them behind my back catching up on lost cheating opportunities…so I turn around really quick and see how many I can catch. It’s kinda like a little game we play, I guess.