This morning I looked out the back window to see that our doormat was suspiciously out of place. Something had drug our door mat – an old cloth rug – halfway to the garage where it lay in a crumpled heap. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t have been worth notice…but nothing else was moved and I had been watching big foot documentaries the previous night. Night is the third worst time to watch said documentaries – the other two being when in a tent at night or while driving along a lonely, wooded road at night, because seriously, watching TV while driving is dangerous – particularly if a large hairy monster jumps out.

I considered the possibility of its being the wind but since the plastic garbage can lid – which was in a very blowable position – hadn’t moved, I decided against it. I hated to have to say it, but only one other reasonable explanation came to mind: a sashquatch.

Thanks to those documentaries, I knew their surly habits: tree knocking; branch breaking; and now, rug pulling. I’m no fool, so I didn’t go out to investigate. As I considered the grave ramifications that would inevitably come from a yeti settling in Yuma, a chubby brown squirrel bounded over to the rug. After a few preliminary flicks of its bushy tail and the requisite number of nervous glances back and forth, it took a tentative nibble. Then, to my horror, the little beastie chomped down and began to drag it to its lair.

All became suddenly clear. The miscreant had returned to his crime in an attempt to finish the dastardly deed. He was smaller than a seshquatch, but no less vicious. The way he gnawed on the helpless rug was truly without remorse and showed that there was no love in that puffy little body. No doubt this kind of rug-eating behavior is what had caused the other two squirrels to drop dead from the tree in the months previous: receiving the just fruits of their villainy.

I had learned about the surliness of squirrels on another occasion – when one had cruelly stolen my breakfast banana – and should have guessed the real culprit in this case. But my view was obscured by bigfeets, which just goes to show that one shouldn’t watch bigfoot documentaries at night.